Aug 30:

Tonight Jim dragged me out to meet his friends, as promised, which I was kind of nervous about. Actually, it was two of his buddies and their wives. It didn’t seem like Jim had a lot of female friends, which is good because I hate it when guys have tons of female friends. The two friends, Dave and Gordon, were pretty nerdy guys, which kind of solidified my impression that Jim was a big geek at heart. Also, they weren’t disabled, which was something I had been wondering about.

Meeting the friends is always scary for me because I feel like they’re judging me, thinking about how Jim could do better. Although to be honest, there weren’t many times when I got to the point in a relationship where I was asked to meet the friends. So this was kind of a big deal.

Anyway, it turned out I was worried over nothing. Like I said, Dave and Gordon were big dorks, and their wives, Sue and Michelle respectively, were very friendly. They welcomed me so eagerly that I thought back to what that waitress said about Jim getting his heart broken. It looked like his friends had been pretty worried about him.

In fact, it seemed like Sue and Michelle were going out of their way to sell me on Jim. After dinner, we went back to Gordon and Michelle’s apartment, and the guys were watching some sports game in the living room while we girls talked in the kitchen. It was very amusingly stereotypical, but I didn’t really want to watch basketball. Anyway, it was in the kitchen that Sue and Michelle started gushing about Jim.

“He is SUCH a great guy,” Sue said. “He’s just so nice and considerate. I wish Dave were more like him.”

“It’s so true,” Michelle added. “I got stranded when my car broke down once and Gordon was out of town. I called Jim and he came to pick me up and waited for me for the tow truck to come. He’s just so nice.”

“And you don’t even notice the wheelchair after a while,” Sue added. “It’s just like he’s like everyone else.”

I ate from the bowl of popcorn they made and took it all in. I’d encountered a lot of high-pressured salesmen before, but I never experience salesmen as eager as these women. I mean, I like Jim, but clearly these women were going out of their way to make him look good. It then occurred to me that this might be a good way to get information.

“I heard he just had a rough break-up,” I said.

Sue and Michelle exchanged looks. “Molly was awful,” Sue said. “She was totally wrong for him. We all knew it from the start.”

“What was wrong with her?”

“She was just interested in having fun,” Michelle said. “She wasn’t looking for any long term commitment. That’s what Jim was looking for and we all told him she wasn’t going to go for it.”

“He would have to be a complete idiot to get back together with her,” Sue added.

My stomach flipped. “She wants to get back together?”

“Oh.” Sue blushed. She stammered something unintelligible.

Michelle waved her hand. “Whatever. Molly doesn’t know what she wants. She’s just toying with the poor guy. It’s awful.”

I felt uneasy for a while after that. No matter how much Jim denied he still had feelings for Molly, they had been a couple for a very long time. He has to still like her. He barely knows me.

Still, we changed the subject and I forgot about my worries. It was a great night. After it was over, Jim drove me back to his place and we watched television for a while, then he drove me home and now I’m writing this before I drop off to sleep. He offered to let me spend the night, but I’m not ready for him to see what I look like first thing in the morning. I feel like I need to stay one up on Molly.

Sept 3:

Today I found out how nice it is to have a boyfriend who has POWER.

We were eating out for lunch at our usual restaurant. I usually pull off my ID badge and stash it in my pocket before we go out, partially because I don’t want to feel like a five year old on a class trip with my name plastered on my chest, but also because my ID photo is just horrible. I may not be pretty, but that photo makes me look like someone that the townspeople would cower from in horror. Years from now, schoolchildren will study it as the worst ID photo in the history of the universe. Seriously, it’s pretty bad.

Anyway, as soon as I realized my ID badge was hanging from my front pocket, I immediately ripped it off in what I hoped was a really inconspicuous movement. Unfortunately, it wasn’t.

“Why did you take your ID badge off?” Jim asked.

I mumbled some excuse, hoping he’d let it go, but he didn’t. He bugged me until I admitted how much I hated the photo, at which point he of course insisted on seeing it. I was kind of shocked he’d never seen it before, considering the first thing I did when I heard his name was to look his photo up in the computer. I guess he’s less of a stalker than I am.

“Here, you can see mine,” he said. He was still wearing his badge on his chest.

“Yeah, but you look adorable in your photo,” I grumbled. Jim was good looking but he was also really photogenic. I was almost jealous.

“Well, sorry,” he said with a smile.

“You really don’t need to see it.”

“I definitely do,” he said. “And you may as well show it to me, because you know the first thing I’ll do when I get back to work is look it up in the computer and then it will be gigantic and filling the entire screen.”

He had a point. I dug out my ID badge from my pocket and handed it to him. He looked at it and shrugged. “What’s wrong? You look fine. Cute as a button.”

I stared at him. I really had to question his judgment if he thought I looked “cute as a button” in that photo. That photo was objectively horrible. I was beginning to wonder how awful looking his ex-girlfriend Molly must have been if someone like me seemed so attractive to him. She must have had a huge hump in her back and been confined to a tower where her only friends were the rats.

“Look, I can tell you hate it,” he said. “So why don’t we go change it?”


He shrugged. “I’ve got some friends in security. I’m sure they’d take a new photo for you and make you up a new badge. It’s not a big deal, this isn’t the CIA or something.”

“You can do that?” I was incredulous.

“For you, babe? Anything is possible.”

Sure enough, right after lunch, he took me to the security office. The guy who worked down there was named Paul and it seemed like he and Jim were on a first name basis. Jim explained the situation to a slightly snickering Paul, who was luckily pretty bored and willing to comply. The whole thing was mildly embarrassing, but completely worth it to get rid of that awful ID photo.

“You’re lucky your boyfriend has connections, honey,” Paul said to me.

Jim has connections. There’s something very cool and kind of sexy about that.

What followed was somewhat short of a Vogue fashion shoot, but we came up with five photos that Paul brought up on the computer to let me choose from. I asked Jim which one he liked best.

“I think they all look good,” he said. Typical Jim.

I finally selected one and Paul printed out a new ID badge for me. I was so happy, I could die. “You’re awesome,” I said to Jim.

“Am I?” he grinned proudly. “I like the sound of that. Maybe I could have that printed on my ID badge. James Matchett, Information Technology, Awesome. What do you think, Paul?”

“I think you two had too much to drink during lunch,” Paul said.

Jim pulled me into his lap right in front of his friend and kissed me. He’s so affectionate with me. I wish I were better at being affectionate back in public. I want to be the kind of girlfriend he wants me to be, because that’s what he deserves.

Sept 9:

I am exhausted and don’t have time to write much, but I just want to say that I think I have totally fallen for Jim. He bought me this box of chocolates this morning and a single rose. I think if he does one more sweet, romantic thing for me, I’m going to start bawling.

So yes, I heart Jim Matchett. I haven’t said it to him yet, but I have a feeling it’s coming.

I’ve never told a guy “I love you” before. There’s something a little scary about it. I’ve thought it before, but only fleetingly and it never got to the point where I felt a need to say it. I really want to say it to Jim though. I know it’s too soon, but I feel like I’m going to burst.

Sept 14:

Use #249 for Computer Geek Boyfriend: when your computer gets fucked up on a Sunday morning, you don’t have to have a heart attack.

I was downloading this crossword puzzle game and all of a sudden, my computer was really unhappy. It was opening all these windows, probably publishing all my credit card information and my bra size to that big board in Times Square, and I almost burst into tears. I guessed I had accidentally downloaded some virus.

I attempted to delete the program, but the damage was done. I was freaking out for a good twenty minutes before I decided to call Jim. “My computer went berserk,” I told him.

“Hieroglyphics?” Jim asked.

“No, I think I downloaded a virus.”

“Nice job, Tessie,” he laughed. I didn’t think it was funny. “Please let it be a laptop?” The whole him not being able to get into my apartment thing really sucked.

“It’s a laptop,” I confirmed.

“Great. Bring it over.”

I packed up my poor laptop computer and drove over to Jim’s apartment. He was wearing boxers and a T-shirt and by the look of his hair, he hadn’t been awake very long. I felt a little bad for bothering him, but he was all business. Within a minute of my arrival, he was pecking away at the keyboard and clucking his tongue. “God, Tessie, this is nasty. What were you doing? Downloading naked photos of Brad Pitt?”

I snorted. “Nobody likes Brad Pitt anymore. Get with the times.”

“Geez, sorry.”

“So can you fix it?”

He nodded and I breathed a sigh of relief. “But it’s going to be a while, so make yourself comfortable.”

First I went to the bathroom. There are times when I really do forget Jim is disabled, but it’s hard to forget when I’m in his bathroom. That bathroom really looks like it was made for a guy in a wheelchair. There are like fifty grab bars and the sink is so low that I get back pain every time I use it. But I love being in there, because it smells like Jim’s cologne. You know you’re into a guy when just the smell of him turns you on.

I started perusing his bookcase. All his books were boring. There was Boring Computer Book A and Boring Computer Book B. Jim told me he had majored in computer science, then got a masters in it, so that was really all he studied. There were only a handful of books that weren’t about computers and those were all math books. Then I hit one corner of large unlabeled books. “What are these?” I wondered out loud.

“Photo albums,” Jim replied, not taking his eyes off my computer screen. “My mom dumped them here about a year ago. If you’re looking for photos of me in a diaper, I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.”

That I had to see. I pulled out the oldest of the books and sure enough, there was little Jim. He was about five or six years old in these pictures, but still totally recognizable as himself. “Oh my god, you were so cute!”

“I know, what happened, right?”

I pointed to one of the photos of little Jim kicking a soccer ball. “You played pee wee soccer?”

Jim glanced over. All of a sudden, a kind of sad look came over his face.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing.” He shook his head. “It’s just kind of weird to see photos of myself back when I could still walk. It’s… stupid. Never mind. Keep looking at the pictures.”

My heart ached a little bit for Jim. He never seemed sad or bothered by being in a wheelchair. This was the first time I had seen him react like this. I put away the album and picked out one that looked much newer. Sure enough, the photos seemed like they were maybe a year or two old. Jim looked the same as he did now and was in his wheelchair for all the photos.

“God, you’re really photogenic,” I commented.


I picked out his friends Dave and Gordon in some of the pictures. Apparently, there’d been some sort of ski trip. I flipped a few more pages and came across a photo of Jim with his arm around a very attractive girl. I turned the page and there were more photos of him with that girl. I had a bad feeling I knew who this was.

“Is this Molly?” I asked.

He looked up and saw the photo I was pointing to. “Yeah, that’s her. Sorry, I never purged my photo albums.”

I stared at the photo. I felt sick. Molly is GORGEOUS. She could have been an actress or model, she’s that pretty. I looked at Jim with amazement. I had been going under the assumption that Molly was fairly unattractive or at least average-looking. How the hell was he able to get a girl who looked like that? And how could he possibly settle for someone like me after dating someone like her? How could he even LOOK at someone like me after someone like her?

But what I said was, “Molly’s really pretty.”

He shrugged. “I guess she’s attractive.”

I knew I wasn’t going to be able to keep from saying what I was thinking. “Jim, how could you date a woman who looks like her and then date…”

He looked up from the computer screen, his brow furrowed. “What?”

“I mean, she’s… and I’m…”

“Come on, Tessie,” he said. “You’re just as pretty as she is. You really don’t think so?”

Not only did I not think so, but anybody in their right mind wouldn’t think so. Believe me, I don’t have some crazy body dysmorphic disorder or something. I’m ugly. I’ve been rejected by enough guys that I think I can form a realistic opinion of myself. Also, I have eyes. “No, I don’t,” I said.

“You need to have more confidence,” Jim said. “I mean, shit, look at ME. That ought to give you a little confidence.”

I looked at the photo again and felt like crying. I felt like this relationship was never going to last, not if Jim could get a girl who looked like Molly.

Jim sighed. “Do you want me to fix your computer or do you want me to comfort you?”


He held out his arms to me. “C’mere, you.”

I sat down on his lap and we kissed. We still have amazing kisses and I’m pretty sure it’s some awesome kissing skill he has. Anyway, I’m not complaining.

“Do you want to go to the bedroom?” he whispered in my ear.

“Do you have condoms?”

He shook his head. “Not that. I want to eat you out.”

I swear, I almost giggled. He said it so matter-of-factly. It was just… amusing, I guess. Amusing and hot. I consented and he wheeled me into the bedroom on his lap, struggling a little bit because of my weight. I felt bad about that. I doubt he ever had that problem with Molly, who didn’t seem to have an ounce of body fat.

I took off my panties to help him out and he stayed in his wheelchair while I lay on the bed. I felt his hands sliding up the inside of my thighs and I tried my best to relax. I’ve been eaten out before, but not a whole lot. But based on my meager experience, I have to say that I think Jim must be the best person at oral sex in the entire universe. Oh. My. God. I honestly have no idea what he was doing down there, but his tongue was magical. At one point, I felt like I was going to levitate off the bed. I wanted it to last forever, but it was too amazing and I came relatively quickly, screaming like I didn’t think I was capable of screaming. I think he has forever spoiled masturbation for me.

“Jesus Christ,” I said when it was over, letting my head drop onto the pillow. “Wow.”

He looked very pleased with himself. He wheeled around the side of the bed and stroked my hair with the back of his hand. “You enjoyed yourself, I take it.”

“Jesus Christ,” I muttered again. “Where did you learn how to do that?”

“They had a course at the DeVry Institute,” Jim said. “It was a night course. I considered getting my masters.”

I smacked him in the shoulder and he laughed. He said he was going to go back to my computer and let me recover. It actually took me a while. I just lay there, thinking about the feeling of his tongue on my clitoris. I almost felt like I could still feel it. Too amazing for words.

After I was lying there for god knows how long, I heard Jim yell: “I fixed it!”

I came running. “You did??” Ordinarily, when I mess up my computer, I have to take it to some store and it doesn’t get back to me for about week.

“Yes, and I deserve a goddamn Nobel Prize or something, this was not easy.”

I kissed him. “You’re my hero.”

He pulled me into his lap again and I started kissing his neck. He moaned softly and I was encouraged. I slid my hand up his thigh and over to his crotch and felt him getting hard. He seemed not to be too interested in it and just kind of tolerating my hand being there. “You don’t like this?” I asked him.

He shrugged. “Can’t feel it. Doesn’t do much for me.”

“Well, what can I do to make you come?”

“Nothing. I can’t come.”

I stared at him. “You said you could have sex.”

“Right. I can have sex. But I don’t have an orgasm.”

This blew my mind, although more than anything, it was the fact that he was so cavalier about it. I felt myself getting flustered. “Well, what can I do to make you feel good, then?”

Jim grinned at me. “Well, I can feel everything from the shoulders up. So if you stick to that area, you’re in good shape.”

So that’s what I did. I kissed and licked him all over his neck and his ears and his face, and I ran my hands through his hair. He might not have come, but he was definitely enjoying it. I don’t think he was pretending at all because I could see the sweat on his brow and he was pulling me really tight to him with his wrists. At one point, he squeezed his eyes shut and whispered, “Oh god, Tessie, I love you.”

I didn’t know what to say to that or if I should say it back. I felt like anything said in the throes of passion was probably to be disregarded. But I had wanted to tell him I loved him so badly that I felt like it was wrong to leave him hanging. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t love him. So I finally whispered back, “I love you, Jim.”

It was the right thing to say, I think. He hugged me tighter and we kissed on the mouth and it was amazing as usual. This is it. He’s it. He’s the one.

Sept 16:

One thing I’ve learned about Jim is that he is really good about sleeping. He's one of those people whose head hits the pillow and he's out like a light, while I end up lying awake for close to an hour some nights. Oh, and he also takes naps. Last Sunday afternoon, around two o'clock, he started yawning and told me he's going to lie down for a while. Tell me, what 32 year old man takes naps??

Actually, I'm jealous. I always have trouble sleeping, probably because there's always so much on my mind. I worry about work, finding a husband before age 40, my stupid biological clock, all that crap. Jim's mind is clearly very uncluttered.

Anyway, last night I stayed at his place and he went to bed while I got ready in the bathroom. I expected to get out and he'd be sound asleep, but instead he was lying in the dark with his eyes wide open. I lay down next to him and looked at him. Considering Jim always wears glasses during the day, he seems kind of vulnerable-looking without them.

"Tessie," he said. "I want to tell you something."

Well, I knew he wasn't married and I didn't think he was gay, so I couldn't imagine what he was going to tell me.

"What I said to you the other night," he said. "When I told you I loved you, I meant that. I wasn't just saying it because I was horny. I mean, yes, I was horny, but I meant it when I said I loved you. In case you were wondering."

"Oh," I said, pretending I hadn't been thinking about it nonstop since he said it.

"I love you," he said.

"I... I do too."

"You do what?"

"I do... love you. I love you. Sheesh."

Jim laughed and flung his arm around me, hugging me close to him. About five minutes later, we had both fallen asleep.

To be continued...